One more time

i hate that my brain will just go into survival mode. i know it's years of abuse and ptsd related. i hate that there's a switch that flips and i try so hard to flip it back and struggle. i don't want to second guess every move, i don't want to walk on eggshells. i can't unhear the inflection your voice change. i hate being scared. i'm trapped in mocked scenarios of people that never hurt me; a sort of ghost imprint, echoing from the pain and abuse. pulling every stop, trying not to self sabotage. tears, as the transition from flight to freeze lock in and get jumbled up.

I'd fall inlove with you over and over again; in every lifetime, at chance I'd get... my only chage would be to do it sooner so we'd be able to spend more time together. How quickly do you want to spend eternity with the one? as quick as possible seems crazy, because you have eternity. But I don't want to experience it without you. I'm mot scared or ashamed to go it alone, I want to just spend it with you, experience it with you. Make the memories; hear the laughs...

Just some random thoughts that need some space.... driving home last night I was thinking about how his love is healing. He's witnessing, validating, and pouring back into me. My actions, hobbies, interests aren't just novel to him. He sees me and loves me....not to change me but to love me.

I just need to write; no reason this shouldn't be captured and released to the journal entry. ..................... In the stillness I can feel your breath on my skin The vibration of your voice The drive home was full of distractions. e echoes of desire; a wonderous replay images and combined with waves of pleasure remembered from the night. The gentle kisses making way for the deep passionate caresses Clothes ending up in piles on the floor; What was yours and mine got mixed a beautiful foreshadow to the events that unfolded We became like those piles on the floor melding together. The taste of you lingering on my tongue and lips leaving me hungrier for more The sensations building needing release Warm, wet, aching. I must get home.

icecream and tears. both drip into my journal. sadness trails. i said i love you. you said i love you, but.... and thats now its not the same. those conditions followed. where my mine were absent.

I can see why you're upset. Truth is she was never yours. She was on loan from the universe. The starlight in her eyes should have been the clue. You only had to love her. That was the lesson. When you got greedy it changed, she noticed. She loved you harder hoping you'd see and revert back. Instead your ego got involved and you succeeded in caging her; saying things to break off bits of her soul, clipping her beautiful wings. Crumpled and mangled she kept loving you. Pleading and compromising for the change, begging for you to show her a fraction of the love she's given you. Telling you exactly what she needs but suddenly your needs weren't met. The parts and pieces of her that loved you wholly were broken, clipped, and scattered; disregarded by you, she was a shell of what she was tammed and compliant, anything more would annoy you. She wanted to love you and in the end, she finally stopped siding with you and chose herself, for once. The energy shifted again...