One more time

I can see why you're upset. Truth is she was never yours. She was on loan from the universe. The starlight in her eyes should have been the clue. You only had to love her. That was the lesson. When you got greedy it changed, she noticed. She loved you harder hoping you'd see and revert back. Instead your ego got involved and you succeeded in caging her; saying things to break off bits of her soul, clipping her beautiful wings. Crumpled and mangled she kept loving you. Pleading and compromising for the change, begging for you to show her a fraction of the love she's given you. Telling you exactly what she needs but suddenly your needs weren't met. The parts and pieces of her that loved you wholly were broken, clipped, and scattered; disregarded by you, she was a shell of what she was tammed and compliant, anything more would annoy you. She wanted to love you and in the end, she finally stopped siding with you and chose herself, for once. The energy shifted again...

While waiting for an event to begin this morning, I found nyself doom scrolling. Noticed a meme that said, "how a man treats the mother of his child is the biggest refelction of himself." Not having kids I didn't do anything but keep goiing... but something in that post rang so true. I've dated several men with kiddos, it's the age thing at this point. But I only know of a handful of men who treat the mother of their child(ren) with kindess and respect. The character of these men is admirable, to say the least.... the most recent is my boyfriend the other men are friends. They have all put in the work (therapy) to be in that space. The healed part of them is what they show when they interact with women that gave them their children. It is truly a point to recognize and yet another place to appreciate my boyfriend.

Not sure where this is going or where it will end. Just taking notes at the moment and recognizing thoughts. *brain dump, it's not organized* Replaying the converations in my mind, thank you, ptsd, for that abiltiy... the converation recorded crystal clear, every gesture, every inflection and when the tone changed. I got scared and deflected. Yes, its a coping mechinism. No, I didn't mean to. The confession was sweet. I too wish I could do it all again... be that 18 yr old; meet you sooner... I'd have more time to love you. All the wants, hopes, and dreams along that parallel time-lined universe. All the hurt pain, and abuse, we'd both have been saved from. A perfect little bubble. I wanted to tell you the other night and I wanted to say so many other things. After I said what I did about marriage..... but it just gets stopped somewhere between my mind, heart, and soul... its that break check that still happens from trauma. I want to say it all but I'...

Somewhere to word vommit, brain dump, thought spew. Everything seems to circle in my mind and thoughts until anger and anxiety get too aggitated and it comes out but by then... well, then it gets jumpled and misshappen, it may not even be what the actual problem is. So im hoping this is the safe space, to vent, organize, and maybe even provide clairty. The wins and losses to be counted and maybe documented as well as the general things.