Thoughts
Not sure where this is going or where it will end. Just taking notes at the moment and recognizing thoughts. *brain dump, it's not organized*
Replaying the converations in my mind, thank you, ptsd, for that abiltiy... the converation recorded crystal clear, every gesture, every inflection and when the tone changed. I got scared and deflected. Yes, its a coping mechinism. No, I didn't mean to. The confession was sweet. I too wish I could do it all again... be that 18 yr old; meet you sooner... I'd have more time to love you. All the wants, hopes, and dreams along that parallel time-lined universe. All the hurt pain, and abuse, we'd both have been saved from. A perfect little bubble.
I wanted to tell you the other night and I wanted to say so many other things. After I said what I did about marriage..... but it just gets stopped somewhere between my mind, heart, and soul... its that break check that still happens from trauma. I want to say it all but I'm scared. Not of you, of the past. Trying to assure you and comfort me, I know you feel the hesitation. It's really not you it's my healing; trusting the bridges of communication again because its healthy; you're healthy, we are healthy.
Life isn't perfect and its rarely fair... Broken crayons still color and maybe we needed to see how bad it was to appreciate how we both love. I don't know.
But of all the uncertainties, I'm sure of this.. I love you... It's as easy and conplicated as that.
Replaying the converations in my mind, thank you, ptsd, for that abiltiy... the converation recorded crystal clear, every gesture, every inflection and when the tone changed. I got scared and deflected. Yes, its a coping mechinism. No, I didn't mean to. The confession was sweet. I too wish I could do it all again... be that 18 yr old; meet you sooner... I'd have more time to love you. All the wants, hopes, and dreams along that parallel time-lined universe. All the hurt pain, and abuse, we'd both have been saved from. A perfect little bubble.
I wanted to tell you the other night and I wanted to say so many other things. After I said what I did about marriage..... but it just gets stopped somewhere between my mind, heart, and soul... its that break check that still happens from trauma. I want to say it all but I'm scared. Not of you, of the past. Trying to assure you and comfort me, I know you feel the hesitation. It's really not you it's my healing; trusting the bridges of communication again because its healthy; you're healthy, we are healthy.
Life isn't perfect and its rarely fair... Broken crayons still color and maybe we needed to see how bad it was to appreciate how we both love. I don't know.
But of all the uncertainties, I'm sure of this.. I love you... It's as easy and conplicated as that.
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